Embracing the Truth
by Horus.Potter
Summary: Dean has a secret, one that he's kept for over ten years, but after a long internal struggle with himself Dean realizes he has to tell Sammy; that he can't keep this shameful secret to himself any longer. Rated for implied sexual relations, slight language, and kissing. Dean/Cas


AN: Okay, so I know I have tons of stories posted here, but for some reason this one makes me /really/ nervous to post. I don't know if it's because it's my first Destiel fic, or if it's because it's my first Supernatural fic in general or what, but it's been sitting in my WIP folder for months. . .

Anyway, that being said, um, enjoy? xD

Oh, and this idea was actually based on this tumblr post I saw: so major credits to all the people who made comments on this post basically obsessionsaside . tumblr. com/post/ 26138727615/ ever-the- eternal- optimist- littleartemis because they were what made me want to write my first Supernatural fic, and the others that are sitting half-finished in my folder will hopefully one day follow.

**Embracing the Truth: **

Dean Winchester kept many secrets; he told more lies than truths. But he always told Sammy. . . eventually. His brother was the only one he could confide in. But not about this. Not this time. This secret he couldn't tell, he barely admitted it to himself. Sam knew about the demons that plagued Dean (both literal and figurative). But even Sam didn't know _this_ about his brother. John Winchester had known, but that was a horrible accident that had almost cost Dean his father. Dean struggled to shake away the memory but it flew into his mind like a bird swooping home to its nest, taking up space until Dean had to acknowledge it.

_It was ages ago, another lifetime, John and Dean were on a mission having left Sammy with Bobby because they were afraid he'd get hurt even though he was a remarkable hunter at 13 years old. It was late (or early depending on your perspective). John came back to the fleabag motel from a fruitless stakeout to find a scene he wasn't prepared to handle._

_Dean was lost in a warm embrace, legs tangled with legs, the sheets crumpled and shifted, hands exploring a foreign body, lips tasting soft uncharted lips. But as Dean felt the cool winter breeze drift into the room along with the heavy footsteps of his father he knew this would never happen again. He could feel his face flush, feel his body become weak, his heart – already racing with lust – doubled it's pace as it raced instead with fear. _

"_Dean," his father's voice was strong, calm. . . more terrifying than any tone Dean had heard directed at him. "Get. Out." _

_Dean felt his body moving, but his whole being was shocked to the core. "You have to go Caleb." Dean said softly to the boy next to him. "Now." _

_Dean threw on his clothes, struggling with his boots as his fingers forgot how to work. His mouth was dry as he choked back the fright. Caleb was out the door before Dean had even finished tying his laces._

"_Dad," he tried, wanting to explain how he ended up here. _

"_Get. Out." John repeated, his tone giving no room for any arguments. _

_Dean grabbed his jacket, which had been thrown haphazardly onto the floor by the door. "Sir, can I just explain-"_

"_There is nothing to explain, Dean." John said, and there was something else in his tone. Not anger, or confusion, but disappointment. The worst of all. Dean had disappointed his father. Again. But this time. . . this time how could he make it up to him? How could he erase this memory? _

"_It won't happen again." Dean tried. He wasn't used to pleading, but this was his father. His family. He had to make it right. _

"_Out."_

_Dean left the hotel with a hesitant look back, John didn't acknowledge his child as Dean closed the door and felt the panic creeping through his body, his limbs going numb, his head swimming. Where would he go? Bobby's. Would John tell Bobby? Would Bobby care? Dean looked around the nearly empty parking lot, he could steal the Impala – hot-wiring was a piece of cake – but then his dad would have two reasons to kill him. _

_Why?! Why had he given into those feelings of lust for that boy? That girl Candice at the party was extremely attractive, John wouldn't have been nearly as pissed if Candice had been at the hotel instead of Caleb. Dean sat on the dirty curb head in his hands, his eyes shut painfully tight, willing this to be a dream, to have never happened. How could he do this? How could he fuck up so badly? _

"_Dean," Dean's head snapped up to see John standing outside the motel room door with his bags in his hands. "Get the rest of your stuff, let's go get Sam." _

_Dean jumped to his feet, literally leaping at the opportunity to talk to his father about this. "Dad, what happened, it was a complete mistake. I don't even know what-" he struggled for an excuse that didn't involve the truth, that he was interested in men. _

"_We will never talk about this night. Ever. Again." John's eyes bore into his son's, communicating more than words. Dean nodded mutely, attempting to convey his apology with his eyes. John looked away, opening the trunk. "Hurry up." _

_Dean raced into the hotel room to grab his duffel, willing the tears to stop and his breath to calm. His father had forgiven him. It would be okay. This never happened. It would never happen again._

Dean's mind snapped back into the present, Sam was staring at his laptop, focused on the case. Sam could feel Dean's gaze and tense aura. "Okay, what's wrong?" Sam asked looking up to see Dean's strained expression.

"Nothing." Dean said, but his voice cracked slightly and he had to clear it and look away.

"Seriously Dean, what's up?"

"Nothing." Dean said again, this time his voice was stronger.

"You've been acting weird for a few days now." Sam prompted.

"Just working the job Sammy." Dean got up, as though to prove his point, and followed the map they had made of the latest monster, which was apparently taking out any male within a two mile radius of the small Podunk town. There was nothing to distinguish the monster, and the only pattern in the victims was that they were all male.

"Dean, come on. We've been at this job for a week and have no leads and no clue what's going on. I know it's stressful but there's something else bugging you."

Dean didn't respond, just focused, trying to see patterns where they didn't exist.

"Want to call Cas?" Sam asked.

"What? Why would I want to do that?" Dean realized too late that his tone was too harsh to use when talking about a friend. "I just mean, we can handle it ourselves. We've got Bobby working on some stuff."

"But he's tapped out. He's helping Garth with that shifter thing in Butte anyway." Sam reminded his brother, "Cas can probably figure this out in about two seconds."

"Cas isn't a hunter Sammy. He's an Angel and he's got better things to do." Dean protested.

"Alright. But seriously, what is with you lately?"

"Nothing. Ask me again and I'm gonna punch you."

Anger was a classic standby for Dean. Whenever he was close to revealing this one secret to his brother he found a way to make his brother angry instead, or to push him away. It's how he always dealt with it. Sam of course was used to his brothers angry outbursts by now and had learnt to not take them personally.

"Cas," Sam said, closing his eyes for good measure. "Castiel are you there? We might need your help on this."

"What are you doing!?" Dean whispered angrily, as though afraid Cas would hear him.

"I'm calling Cas since you won't. I'm out of ideas and if I stare at these mutilated bodies any longer I'm going to go insane."

But Castiel didn't respond to Sam's call so Sam got annoyed and stood up. "Okay, I'm going to go grab some coffee. Want anything?"

"Pie." Dean said automatically, even though his stomach was in knots.

Sam rolled his eyes but nodded, grabbing his coat and leaving. Dean sat back down on the bed and turned on the television. He flicked through every channel twice before turning it back off.

"Okay," he sighed. "Cas, can you come here a sec? I think we need some help."

Cas appeared in the center of the room with a flutter of wings. "You wanted to see me?" he asked.

Dean took a moment to appreciate the Angel's appearance; the bright blue eyes shining with innocence, the stern but somehow awkward way he held himself, his messy hair and permanently perplexed expression. Dean knew that their alleged bond was strictly because of the being raised from hell thing, and that it didn't mean more than that. But sometimes Dean's thoughts roamed of their own accord to the dangerous place he kept hidden. Sometimes Dean imagined that the bond he had with Cas was more than perdition; sometimes Dean imagined it was love. He knew that was stupid. Crazy. Pointless. He had vowed to never go down that road again and he certainly wasn't going to presume he fell in love with an Angel of all things.

Cas noticed Dean's lingering gaze and smiled to himself. He had always felt a special bond with Dean, but he wasn't quite sure what it was, still unaccustomed to human emotions. But he did know that he liked when Dean looked at him like that.

"Dean?" he asked, the moment dissolving around them.

"Yea," Dean shook himself out of his thoughts, willing them back deep down into his subconscious. "This case, it's pretty messed up. No pattern or distinction in anyway. It's like nothing we've ever hunted before. The victims were all male, we thought Siren but there's no evidence to that. The bodies were almost drained of blood, but the bites aren't vampire." he said all this as he went to the mini-fridge in the corner and grabbed a beer before walking to the map Sam and he had tacked to the wall.

Castiel looked at their map and notes and then at the documents Sam had left behind. None of it seemed like anything he could help with. It didn't appear to be Angelic or Demonic and he said as much to Dean.

"Well, thanks for trying." Dean said, expecting Castiel to leave.

"I can stay." Castiel said hesitantly. "And try to help somehow."

Dean felt that tiny zing in his heart. "You don't have to." he said, hating the words. "You've probably got stuff to do in Heaven right?"

"Nothing that can't wait." Castiel said earnestly.

Sam walked in, shaking his hair from the rain. "It's getting bad out there." he said, "Oh, hey Cas."

"Hello Sam."

"Cas can't help us." Dean said, "He doesn't think it's Angelic or Demonic."

"But I'd like to stay and help if I can." Castiel added.

Sam looked at the pair, something about them was off tonight. "Sure. Of course, yea, we could use the help."

"Come on, Cas has probably got better things to do." Dean said, almost pointedly. Even the Angel picked up on the social cue.

"If you don't want me around Dean why did you call me?" Castiel's ability to be blunt was sometimes a greater hindrance than asset.

"It's not that I don't want you around." Dean said, backtracking.

"Good. Then I will help."

Dean didn't answer, instead he walked into the bathroom, shutting the door with perhaps more force than necessary.

"What have I done?" Castiel asked Sam.

Sam shook his head, "I don't think it's you Cas. He's been acting weird all night. Well, for a few weeks now. Every now and then he just gets real tense, like he has something he's dying to say, but he never says it."

Castiel looked toward the closed door, wondering what on earth could be bothering the hunter.

Dean knew they should be celebrating their victory; they finally found the creature, the demigod Empusa who had a mean streak a mile long. After ganking her the trio went to the bar for a round of drinks but Dean was starting to lose it again. The box he kept locked in his head was opening, and as Castiel sat next to him, Dean had to choke back temptation. He flirted instead with the waitress, who wasn't ugly but wasn't particularly good looking either. In fact, Dean couldn't really find anything about her that would be appealing, but he forced himself to use his charms on her instead of directing them where he wanted to; at the Angel sitting next to him.

Sam noticed Dean was still tense, watched his brother drink automatically from his beer, watched as his eyes wandered with a fair amount of determination. Sam frowned as he searched his brothers face, willing Dean to confide in him whatever was troubling him.

"Sammy," Dean said, looking at his brother pointedly. "Something you want to say?"

"Is there something you want to say?" Sam retorted.

"Nope."

Castiel looked between the brothers and sighed, "I think I should leave now. I have business to attend to." he disappeared without waiting for a response.

Sam huffed, annoyed at his brother. "Look, the sooner you tell me what's bugging you the sooner you can stop stressing out about it. You know you're going to tell me eventually."

Dean knew his brother was right; but he'd kept the secret for over ten years. To tell him now just seemed. . . Dean didn't even know. What was the point of bringing up the past?

"It doesn't matter Sammy." Dean said, finally conceding that there was indeed something upsetting him.

"Please."

Dean nodded imperceptibly, reaching into his pocket and throwing some bills on the table. "Not here."

Sam took the cue and stood up, following Dean out to the car. They drove in silence back to the motel room; Dean wording a speech in his head, Sam not wanting to push his brother knowing that one wrong word and they would tip off the edge, tumbling back into regression.

The pair continued on in silence after they entered the room, Dean pacing the floor, Sam waiting as patiently as possible. Finally, after a long while Dean spoke. "Sammy, we're family. Family should always be there for each other. Love each other." he said this last part hastily, unused to the word. Sure he loved his brother, had loved his father, and of course his mother; but obedience, loyalty, discipline, those were words he was more comfortable with.

"Of course Dean." Sam's voice held that understanding tone that was one of his trademarks.

Dean squinted his eyes shut, trying not to relive the memory of his fathers disgust, the memories of every day after, how John would never quite look at him the same way. John had let it go because they were family and despite it all John loved Dean, but he never let Dean forget that he was tainted; that he wasn't the son John raised.

"Sammy," Dean said, working past the emotions. "There's something I should have told you a long time ago. I guess, it's never been a problem or a big deal until recently so I never really saw the need to say anything. But now. . ." he trailed off, trying to formulate a time line. "It was over ten years ago, Dad and I were hunting a couple werewolves, standard procedure. But we left you with Bobby that weekend, figured we'd finish up quick. I met this boy, Caleb, at this house party I'd found out about." the words were tumbling from his lips, now that he'd started there was no going back, "I brought him back to the hotel and we started making out, caught up in lust and hormones. We were all but fucking when dad walked in from his stakeout. He saw me, saw Caleb. . . I could feel the disappointment come from him. He threw me and Caleb out. No words, didn't let me explain. I sat on the curb, feeling hopeless and lost. I don't know how long I sat out there exactly, but eventually Dad came out, told me to pack up my things, that we were leaving to go get you. He said he forgave me because we were blood. That family sticks with family. But I swear Sammy, his eyes never met mine after that." Dean stopped talking for a minute, his eyes closed, lost in his own memories.

When neither Dean nor Sam spoke Dean opened his eyes to see Sam's understandably perplexed expression. But there was no hatred, no disgust, just confusion and a twinge of shock.

"Dean I-" he didn't know what he was going to say. To find out your very straight brother had in fact had physical relations with another man was kind of mind boggling. "Why are you telling me this now? I mean, I spend every day with you and you've never been with a man that I know of. So why tell me at all?"

"Because. . ." Dean took a shaky breath, "Because of Cas." Sam's eyebrows knitted in further confusion. "I think I. . ." Dean couldn't say what his brain toyed with, that he was in love with Castiel; an Angel of the Lord. "I'm really attracted to him." he said instead, looking away so that he couldn't read Sam's expression.

"Oh." Sam said.

"Oh? I just told you the deepest most well kept secret I've ever had and you say 'oh'?" Dean's anger was replacing his vulnerability as it usually did and Sam took that as a good sign.

"I just mean 'oh'. It's like saying you have a crush on Jo or something. It's. . . he's a friend. It's 'oh'. I don't know what else to say." Sam admitted.

"You don't care? You're not grossed out or repulsed?" Dean needed to hear the words, to be reassured that his brother still loved him. He could handle it that the world was against him, that every evil thing wanted him dead, but he couldn't stand it if Sammy hated him.

"Not at all. Doesn't matter to me who you like Dean." Sam said, his tone holding only honesty. "I love you Dean. You're my big brother and I look up to you." Sam hugged his brother, a rare gesture for both of them.

Dean hugged back, feeling almost all of the tension leave his body. "Thanks Sammy."

"So, how do we tell Cas?" Sam asked, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"Tell Cas?" Dean enraged. "We don't tell Cas. That is the last thing we would do. I'd rather go to a gay bar and prance around wearing a rainbow thong than tell Cas. What's the matter with you?" Dean stomped to the mini-fridge and grabbed a beer.

Sam was smiling at his brother, it was endearing when Dean couldn't sort out his emotions. "You have to tell him. If he doesn't know already."

"I don't have to tell him anything." Dean said, then paused, taking in the rest of Sam's statement. "What do you mean 'if he doesn't know already'"?

"Well he's an Angel isn't he? He's probably already used his mojo and figured it out." Sam said, as though this fact should be obvious.

"No. He doesn't know. Cas is socially awkward, he doesn't understand." Dean was attempting to reassure himself more than Sam.

"If you say so." Sam said with a sigh. "But you should tell him."

Dean rolled his eyes, "I'm going to go to sleep. It's been a long day."

Dean flopped onto the bed closest the wall and Sam went into the bathroom. When Sam emerged Dean sat up, looking at his brother, "What if he doesn't even like me though?"

Sam smirked, he had never seen his brother so unsure of himself, it was a welcome change from the gruff man he was used to dealing with. "I mean, can Angels even be gay?"

Sam shrugged, to be honest he hadn't really thought about it. "I just think Cas would want to know.

And it's not like he'd judge you or anything. I mean, the guys an open book, he'd tell it like it is."

"That's what I'm afraid of." Dean mumbled in admittance.

Sam nodded understandingly. "You're right. Maybe it'd be best to just keep it quiet."

Dean sighed, "Yea. No reason to tell him."

Sam smiled sadly, "Dean, thanks for telling me though."

Dean nodded, a haunting smile of gratitude playing on his features. "Yea, enough of the chick flick moments."

Sam shook his head and rolled his eyes, "Night, Dean." Sam said, turning out the light.

"Night Sammy."

A few weeks went by and neither Winchester boy spoke again about the night in the motel room. It didn't effect their work or their relationship in any way; except when the duo worked with Castiel. Sam would watch intently at Dean and Castiel's interactions and try and decipher the Angel's feelings. Unfortunately the Angel's social awkwardness did make it hard to tell what his romantic feelings were, if he had any at all.

One stressful Thursday, Dean had had a particularly bad day and had passed out in the passenger's seat of the Impala where they were parked in the woods, not being near enough to a motel and deciding to sleep in the car. Sam looked over at his sleeping brother, worry and stress marring his features even in sleep, and decided he wanted to do something to make his brother happy. He slipped quietly out of the car, walking a few yards away so Dean couldn't hear him before looking up to the sky.

"Cas?" he tried, knowing it was unlikely the Angel would come to him. "Cas, uh, I need to ask you something." Sam waited a beat, "It's about Dean."

"Is he okay?" Castiel was behind him almost instantly; at least Sam had figured out the magic word.

"Hey Cas, yea he's fine. I just," Sam realized, now that Castiel was standing expectantly in front of him, that this might have been a bad idea.

"What is it Sam?" Castiel's voice was not unkind, but it didn't hold the same tenderness as when he was speaking to Dean.

"If someone liked you, would you want to know it?" Sam asked, feeling stupid for even giving that sentence breath.

Castiel tilted his head to the side, mimicking a confused puppy.

Sam tried again, trying not to be too specific. "I mean if someone was attracted to you, romantically, would that be something you would want to know? Or do you not care about that kind of stuff?"

Castiel's face lit with understanding and then he frowned, lips pursed, "Sam, I am not attracted to you. I am flattered that you would think of me that way, but I -"

"Whoa, no. Not me. I don't like you like that." Sam said, cutting off the rest of Castiel's speech.

Castiel looked confused once more. "Then who are we-"

"Sam? Cas?" Dean was out of the Impala now, looking at the pair with sleep heavy eyes. "What's going on?" his body tensed, ready for a fight, an automatic response to being woken in the night.

Castiel realized what Sam was trying to say as Dean walked closer to the pair. Sam wasn't asking for himself but for Dean, who would never bring himself to ask such things.

"I see." Castiel said quietly to himself. Sam heard this and felt heat rise to his face in embarrassment for interfering.

"What's going on?" Dean repeated now that he was next to the pair.

"Dean is in love with me." Castiel said bluntly.

Sam's eyes popped in shock, he shook his head desperately trying to tell Castiel to shut up, but it was too late.

Dean's shock turned immediately to rage as he turned accusatory eyes on his brother. He glared, giving new meaning to the term 'if looks could kill'.

"I'm sorry Dean," Sam tried, "I didn't mean to tell him. I just-"

But Dean wasn't listening any more, he was stomping back to the Impala, desperate to get away from his traitorous brother and the Angel who started this whole mess.

"Dean," Sam called, debating if he should go after his brother or not.

"Shut up Sam." Dean yelled back.

Castiel used his Angel juice to block Dean's path, causing Dean to startle and take a step back. "Jesus, Cas. Can't you walk like a normal person." of course the anger wasn't directed toward Cas but it was the emotion Dean was most comfortable using.

"Dean, there is no reason to be upset." Castiel said but Dean ignored him and attempted to go around. Castiel stopped him with a strong hand planted firmly on his chest. "Dean." he said, his eyes locking with the hunters and forcing him to pay attention. "Our bond is deep."

Dean tried to look away from Castiel's eyes but found it difficult. "Thanks for that. Just forget Sasquatch ever said anything okay?"

"Dean, I'm trying to say that we have a connection that is stronger than most people ever experience." Castiel tried again.

"The whole 'raised from perdition' thing, I get it." Dean bit out, attempting once more to move around Castiel but being stopped by the same firm hand.

Castiel showed the first signs of annoyance, "Dean, would you let me explain."

"There's nothing to explain Cas. I get it, you know my big secret and you're trying to convince me I don't have feelings for you, that its our saviour/savee bond. I get it. Just forget this happened."

Castiel growled, feeling frustrated that Dean was being so stubborn, so he did the only thing he could think of and leaned in to kiss Dean. Their lips connected awkwardly and quickly before Dean backed away, looking at Castiel as though he'd just sprouted extra heads.

"What?"

"Dean, I'm trying to tell you that, I feel it too."

Dean swallowed hard, attempting to ease his suddenly dry throat. Did Castiel – literally the Angel of his dreams – just tell him that he cared about him?

Castiel nodded slightly, as though reading Dean's thoughts and answering just as silently. Dean didn't trust this, something was wrong. It was the Trickster or a dream or Cas just being Cas and not understanding what this meant.

"It's not just a Hell thing?" Dean asked.

"No Dean."

Dean reached tentatively for Castiel, his hand cupping the other boys cheek. "So, if I kissed you. . ." he trailed off, leaning in closer.

"I would enjoy it very much." Castiel whispered as Dean's lips hovered near his.

Dean leaned forward, their lips connecting again, this time neither were surprised and both were willing participants.

Sam cleared his throat, reminded the pair he was there, "I'll just, uh, take a walk."

Dean's only acknowledgment toward Sam was to wave him off; the younger brother smiled to himself as he walked into the night.


End file.
